Marital Sexuality vs. Religion and Legalism

By: Rick D. Wynn

A difficult area for husbands and wives to stand in unity is in their sexual relationship. Unfortunately, many Christian marriages are in turmoil in this area because they are not totally sure where God stands on this issue. Very few Christian leaders have actually stepped out and taught on sexuality in marriage. Religion and legalism have greatly affected the Christian church and have deceived many minds pertaining to this area of marriage. God created sex, but leaders in ministry rarely mention this fact. In fact, the church tends to avoid such topics as marital sexuality. This is unfortunate because many who are Christians have nowhere to turn to for answers. Thus, they fall into either one or two traps, or both. The first trap is the world’s perspective on sexuality, which can range from sexual deviancy to outright perversity. The second trap is to the opposite extreme created by people’s religious and legalistic thinking. This is the notion that practically all sexual thoughts, acts, and everything associated with sex is sin. Surfing the Internet once, I stumbled onto a Christian forum loaded with questions and responses posted by married couples and some singles. Most of the questions and comments posted were about marital sexuality in Christianity. What they wanted to know more than anything else was where God draws the line between decency and perversity. The answers ranged between “it depends on what you and your spouse agrees to” to “if you enjoy it too much, that could be a bad thing in the eyes of God.” One person was even trying to justify the idea of him and his spouse inviting a third party into their bedroom. Because they agreed to it, he was trying to ascertain if this was sin. Then there were the people who had questions about sexual variations, such as positions, foreplay, and oral. They asked about sexual aids, such as toys and novelties, lingerie, books, videos—in short, sexual stimuli or educational materials. Their question in general was that they wanted to know if utilizing or participating in such things were sinful or permissible in the eyes of God. Few had any real answers and I could also sense the delicacy of such a topic between Christians. While reading through the questions and answers posed in this forum, it occurred to me that sexuality in Christian marriages for most could certainly be one of the greatest challenges in the marriage. Our sexuality as Christians is a very hushed up issue. In a sense, it is as if we speak about it, even with our spouses, only in a whispering tone. For many in Christianity, the issue of sexuality is just as much a taboo today as it was decades ago. This lack of sexual communication in the marriage aids and abets toward Christian marriages busting up all over the nation at the literal pace as none believers in the world.

God created marriage, and the greatest gift He gave us within that marriage was sexuality. He created the man and the woman in such a way that they could come together, creating not only a bond through ecstasy, but He also gave us the ability to produce offspring through that bond. That bond is His love. Some believe that God created sex only for the benefit of pro-creation. That, however, is not what the Word of God says. God deliberately created certain nerves and erogenous zones in our bodies that we might fully enjoy the pleasure in lovemaking.

Marriage and all the wonderful attributes, which come with it, are wonderful gifts to us from God. People have taken His gifts and shamefully hidden them in the closet in fear of what others, or even God, might think. When I was in the world, my ideas about sex pretty much agreed with the world’s view—within reason. When I got saved, my views eventually changed, but only to the opposite extreme. I experienced guilt and condemned myself at the very
thought of thinking of my wife as someone sexy. “What would God think of me thinking of my wife as sexy?” I went through a phase where I couldn’t get the thought out of my mind that the Holy Spirit is with us at all times, even during sex with our spouses. I’d think to myself, “He’s watching.” Because I lacked understanding in God’s position on marital sexuality, like many people in Christianity, I too struggled with sexuality. Now that I was a Christian, was I in sin whenever I considered my wife in a sexual way? Did God allow me to think of my wife as “hot,” now that I was Christian? How was she supposed to view me? Was it possible for us to enjoy our sexual relationship with such religious guilt hanging over us resulting from what we had been told by religion? To what heights could any married couple reach sexually when confusion, spurred by guilt and shame from religion, strangles them and pulls them down? Through the Word of God, books, and the few godly men and women who did challenge religious thinking concerning marital sexuality, the Lord began to minister to my heart about sexual matters. In response to the many questions posed in the forum, for instance, in addition to the many questions that are undoubtedly in the hearts of so many married Christians, I do not profess to have all the answers. However, the Lord has given me a solid foundation that allows us to build upon it a tremendous sexual relationship with our spouses.

The Word of God tells us that God wants to be involved in every area of our lives. This means He wants to be involved in our sexual relationship with our spouses as well. Very few Christians see marital lovemaking as a form of worship, or a weapon of spiritual warfare, but it is. Make love with your spouse in the midst of chaos, setbacks, persecution, and whatever else the devil tries to throw on you, and watch what happens. That devil will flee. The Word of God says, “Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you” (James 4:7). Your lovemaking is a gift from God and is the most ultimate form of physical contact through love a husband and wife can share. What better way to resist the devil than to make him a non-effect in your life by making absolutely wonderful, God-fulfilled love in the midst of everything the enemy tries to dish out? When you and your spouse make love based upon the heart of God, which is a giving love, not self-seeking, or selfishly demanding, you are submitting yourselves to God as one flesh. No devil is any match for that. Making love is an awesome way to do battle in God’s kingdom on earth. Making love with your spouse should also be earth shattering, mind-blowing fun! Perhaps many Christians don’t necessarily consider that it is actually a wonderful thing to have incredible fun during sex. When we consider sexuality from the perspective of Christianity, we tend to take the fun and laughter out of it because somewhere along the line, religion taught us that Christianity and seriousness are synonymous, yet as Solomon said, there is a time for everything—a time for seriousness, and a time for sensual laughter and fun. Many Christians are so busy trying to act “holier than thou” that they are literally rejecting awesome gifts God has given them in their marriage. Did you know also that God actually allows us to feel and be sexy or erotic in bed with our marital partner? What is the point of sexual enjoyment if you don’t even feel at least somewhat sexy? Sexual flirtation with your spouse throughout the day for instance, can even be an incredible joyful experience. God wired you to feel such things that you might enjoy sex to the fullest degree. He gave us the ability to enjoy exquisite touch and orgasms, even multiple orgasms!

The Word of God says that “Marriage is honorable in all and that the bed is undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge” (Hebrews 13:4). The honorable marriage in the eyes of God is a husband and wife, which He established in the Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve. What the husband and wife do in their bed concerning the sexuality between that husband and wife does not defile their bed. Bed, mind you, can also be like an acronym for floor, couch, shower, table, stairs or kitchen counter, and even refrigerator—if you and your spouse have the agility to climb up there. God called their marriage honorable. If they should invite another into their bed, then obviously they are no longer “one flesh.” Adultery in the marital sense is a married individual having a sexual relation outside that marriage. It does not matter if the husband and wife agree on the arrangement. Adultery is adultery. The Message Bible says that God draws a firm line against casual or illicit sex (Hebrews 13:4). Hold on to your hats Christians; the bible does not indicate anywhere that utilizing toys to stimulate the partner, dressing in lingerie, role-playing, foreplay, engaging in different sexual position, variations or utilizing sexual stimuli for the benefit of sexual learning and enhancement between the married couple for example, is sin. God is a respecter of the heart and is no respecter of persons. Thus, He sees your reasons behind everything you do. The agreement between the husband and wife under the guidelines of God’s commandment about marriage, “do not deny due benevolence,” is kept between them and God. God said that between the husband and the wife, their bed is undefiled. In other words, the Lord is saying, “Listen, I gave you this gift of sexuality; I created your bodies with specific cells and nerves that you may respond to the sensuality and pleasures of sex.” God gave us the ability of imagination and put His heart of joy in us. Thus, He says, “as husband and wife, by all means, combine these things and soar to the heights of what you can imagine.” In other words, other than God’s established parameters within the marital institution itself between the husband and wife, God has set no limits concerning the sexual relationship between the husband and wife. Therefore, it is perfectly acceptable in the eyes of God to “go for it!” If you are willing to allow the Lord to be the center of your marriage and the supplier of your desires toward your pleasing your spouse, He will take you and your spouse to heights that you cannot imagine that transcends the highest places of sexuality. We forget that God is the author of this gift called sex. I believe that we have not even begun to tap into the potentials of sheer joy and ecstasy God has hidden within our sexual marital relationships. When Paul spoke about marriage, even he classified the coming together of husband and wife as one flesh, a great mystery (Ephesians 5:32). As with all things in our relationship with God, He wants us to call upon and depend upon Him that we may joyfully partake in the gifts He has given to the husband and wife. Obviously, we should not use sex as an excuse or an escape from responsibilities of daily life, but Christians do need to be aware and understand that marital lovemaking is not only a gift of pleasure and form of worship, but also a weapon of spiritual warfare against the enemy.

Consider the armor of God and the weapons of warfare Paul speaks of in Ephesians, chapter six. Love is a mighty weapon of warfare against the enemy. When a husband and wife are in unity, the love that exists between them contains power like a nuclear warhead ten thousand times the atom bomb of Hiroshima. Try to visualize the devastation you bring upon Satan’s kingdom when you walk in the God kind of love with your spouse. The enemy wants to destroy your marriage because he knows it is a very powerful weapon against him. The most awesome thing about our weapons of warfare is that all of them are godly pleasures to us but horrendous devastation to the enemy. We must keep in mind that God created all good things, including sex in our marriages. He reserved this weapon of pleasure for His marriage institution.

Satan, the counterfeiter, took what God meant for our good and perverted it. This perversion is the pornography, sexual violence, domestic violence, and sexual exploitation we see in the world. Homosexuality, bisexuality, adultery, and fornication have literally become a way of life for many, including Christians. Everywhere one turns, sexual perversion is staring at them right in the face, daring them to partake. This perversion and deception has become so deeply ingrained in people’s way of thinking that it has become difficult for many to distinguish between what is the gift of God, and the counterfeit of the devil. Therefore, the religious church tends to throw everything concerning sex into one large cesspool and view all of it as sin. Christians battle with their sexuality because many cannot see where the line is drawn. Few have the courage to stand up against popular thinking in the Christian body to separate what is God’s truth from the lies of the devil. Christians are condemning each other over their God-given sexuality, and living in guilt and shame over their own sexuality because the church has taught them to listen to the voice of legalism and religion.

When husbands and wives said, “I do” significant things changed. His body no longer belonged to him, but to his wife. Her body no longer belonged to her, but to her husband. To put it more bluntly, if you have never read 1 Corinthians 7:3–5, you may be in for a surprise to see what God says about submitting yourselves to one another as husband and wife concerning your sexual relationship. “The husband should not deprive his wife of sexual intimacy, which is her right as a married woman, nor should the wife deprive her husband. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband also gives authority over his body to his wife. So do not deprive each other of sexual relations. The only exception to this rule would be the agreement of both husband and wife to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time, so they can give themselves more completely to prayer. Afterward they should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt them because of their lack of self-control” (NLT).

This lack of self-control is the culprit behind the majority of cases concerning immoral sexual sin such as adultery and pornography addiction. The bible stipulates that when a husband and wife deny or deprive each other sexual intimacy, Satan can wedge himself between them with temptation. The denial or depravation of benevolence by a spouse usually has a more profound significance than simply the denial of sex. If a woman, for instance had a certain, yet healthy sexual interest in her husband, which he deemed ridiculous and thus judged, belittled, and refused to even discuss—let along participate in with her—he would in essence be depriving her of a sexual intimacy. For her sake, the least he could do is open himself to discuss it with her that he may understand her position and curiosities pertaining to the sexual interest. This same example applies to the woman. If a married couple comes together in sexual intimacy fully open toward one another, without any depravation, guilt, or shame, but through total unconditional love, acceptance, honesty, respect, joy, a willingness to listen without judgment, and an attitude to give pleasure, what power could temptation have over them? The only reason temptation can exist in a marriage is because somewhere within the marriage, something was either denied or deprived. In other words, they did not obey God’s commandment and the devil was able to wedge himself between them and stir up temptation. He does this by showing them what they are missing in their marriage through others. This reason alone is a very significant factor as to why married men, for instance, may become absorbed in pornography. What they view may actually have little to do with the lusting of the woman on the page, but rather a deep seated desire for something they believe is missing in their marriage. For many, the pornography viewed represents a sexual freedom they desire to share with their spouse within their own sexual relationship. Thus, the issue is really about the denial of freedom of sexual expression within their marital relationship. For him, the pornography perhaps encapsulates his idea of sexual freedom, openness, shamelessness and no structured boundaries within the marriage. Technically, this is what God intended in our marriages. Pornography, the perversion, however, does not abide in the boundaries, which God established for the marital institution under His rule of husband and wife equaling one flesh. Instead, pornography encapsulates and glorifies the sin of adultery, fornication, and corruption—to name a few. Because there is denial or depravation of sexual freedom, for instance, in the marriage, Satan is able to stir up the temptation for one or even both spouses to look elsewhere for the very freedom being denied in that marriage. Though the freedom to express ourselves sexually within our marital relations was God’s intent, Satan got a hold of what the Lord meant for our good and perverted it, utilizing pornography and other means in order to destroy God’s marital institution. Thus, these are the perversions and counterfeits of God’s gift of sexuality in the marriage.

Perhaps a marital breakdown may result from days, months, or even years of neglect toward gentleness, physical affection, and appreciation from the husband. Deeply hurt in her feelings of rejection, perhaps she denied her husband attention and sex. Perhaps, the wife entered the marriage with negative sexual beliefs resulting from erroneous information she may have received through past experiences, which lead toward her feelings of guilt and shame concerning her sexuality. Thus, it stunted their ability to have a healthy sexual relationship. The husband, being deprived sexual satisfaction, in frustration and resentment, turned to adultery. Regardless of how the problems may emerge, when we deny our spouses “due benevolence,” the results are that our communication can break down and frustration can set in. Eventually the frustration turns into anger, bitterness, and resentment, which ultimately spreads an infectious contamination throughout the entire marital relationship. Even though the married couple may have sexual relations from time to time, it becomes predictable, routine, and thus boring, which fuels even more their aggravation and frustration. Each may make feeble attempts at pleasing the other, yet neither is truly interested in doing so because of their angry disposition toward the other. Eventually, they stop bothering to have sexual relations entirely, but their desire and urge to have a sexual relation continue. Deep seated in anger toward one another and bored with their marital sex life, they inevitably find other ways to gratify or release themselves from the sexual urges God originally put in them. In such cases, for example, men will turn to pornography and women will bury themselves in chores and activities to occupy themselves. Possibly one or even both will seek gratification outside their marriage. At the peak of their pursuit however, the gratification is never there, for such gratification can only come from God. What they do find is disgust within themselves, guilt, and even more anger, bitterness and resentment toward their spouse, which is exactly how Satan planned it. Though married individuals differ in how they respond to denial or depravation within their marital sexual relations, disobeying God’s commandment will inevitably affect the entire marriage. Because we also deny or deprive ourselves sexual freedom within our marital relationships resulting from our religious and legalistic beliefs, Satan is able to bring temptation into the marriage. Because the church does not teach husbands and wives how to communicate such things as sexuality in their marriage—for the church shuns sexuality—a husband or wife within the marriage may go into hiding or secrecy so-to-speak over their sexual desires, curiosities, and interests. Resulting from guilt or embarrassment, they tend to not only refuse to communicate their feelings with each other, but also act as if the feelings do not exist, which only worsens their inevitable marital demise. One who resorts to pornography, seeks relations outside the marriage, or becomes imaginatively focused on searching to find what he or she feels the marriage lacks, inevitably becomes more resentful and angry toward their spouse because what they are searching for outside the marriage should be in heavy supply inside the marriage. Though the other spouse may not entirely know what is going on, their frustration also eventually builds because they can sense the anger or slight hostility building in their marriage. Weeks or months pass without any sexual activity, yet they never get around to discussing the real problem because they simply do not know how.

If a husband and wife neglect to strive to have the best sexual relationship that they can have in the eyes of God, which transcends the actual physical act of sex, by first openly discussing together all their sexual ideas without fear, doubt, and shame, their sexual relationship will fall far below God’s standards. If they rely solely upon the church and neglect to seek God themselves, in addition to doing their own sexual research and sexual experimentation on each other, the relationship will fall drastically short of God’s standards. At least one in the marriage will always feel that something is missing. There should also be no place in the marriage for denials or invalidations. If your spouse communicates to you that something is missing in your sexual relationship, the worse thing you could ever do is deny or invalidate what your spouse feels. Communicating this issue with your spouse in a positive manner is an excellent opportunity to shut out the devil. If you do not understand a sexual interest your spouse may have in you, the worst thing you could ever do is refuse to try at least to understand by asking questions and without judgment openly allow your spouse to talk about it. If you love your spouse, why would you not do this? The worst thing you could do also would be to dismiss, judge, ridicule, or not take to heart his or her interest. Responding to such delicate and intimate secrets from your spouse in any negative manner will cost you their trust and destroy any possibility of sexual communication. A woman who catches her husband looking at pornography, for instance, who scolds, belittles, or judges his actions will only deeply scar or embarrass him. If there was ever a time when he needed love and understanding from her, that would be the moment. Jesus said love conquers all things. If the husband has deep-seated anger against his spouse, a negative reaction such as judgment from her will fuel even more his anger toward her, driving him further away from her and further into pornography. He will never confide in her the truth behind his interest in pornography. I have heard horror stories about wives who caught their husbands in the act of viewing pornography. One wife in particular, who was married to an associate pastor in a church, caught her husband viewing pornography. Appalled, she immediately called up the pastor and told him about her husband, yet never said a word to her husband before contacting the pastor. Then she and the pastor, together, confronted her husband. That man eventually admitted that he had no desire to give up pornography. Ultimately, he left his wife and ran off with another woman. Disagreeing, denying or depriving our spouses of their sexual interest does not mean that the sexual interest will just go away. If we disobey what God said, which is do not deny “due benevolence,” then what is denied will probably be sought after in other ways. Those “other ways” will ultimately destroy your marriage. A husband and wife should have a sacred place so-to-speak where together they can go and share their sexual ideas, curiosities, desires, interest, fetishes, idiosyncrasies, fantasies, or whatever their situation may be. Together, they should be able to do this privately with absolute security in knowing that they are safe, that whatever they say or do is safe, and that it stays between only them and God. It is no one else’s business. How dare we stand up in religious legalistic beliefs and dictate what married couples should or should not be doing in “their” bedroom. God places His hedge around the marital institution. The hedge signifies that people should mind their own marriages and stay out of others.

Please understand that even though I purposely used pornography as an example, I do not condone pornography. Concerning the examples used, it is important to illustrate what can lead individuals to pornography and how they can be brought out of it. Only agape love conquers; nothing else does. When the woman was caught in the act of adultery, the Pharisees wanted to stone her, Jesus instead loved her and she walked away from her sin. If you do not deal with the notion that something is missing in the sexual makeup of your marital relationship, inevitably imposters will show up in your life to help fill that gap. We should be warned however, that the imposters are none other than the schemes of Satan wedging his way between you and your spouse to destroy your marriage. Security in the marriage is about acceptance and trust, which the entire marriage is balanced. One breach of this trust can literally terminate the marriage.

So, is it okay for a wife to say “no” to her husband when he wants pleasure from her? According to the Word of God, she no longer has authority over her body. She has turned such authority over to her husband. Is it okay for the husband to say “no” to his wife when she wants pleasure from him? According to the Word of God, he no longer holds authority over his own body. His wife now has the authority over his body. Submitting to one another is about serving and pleasing one another. If my intent is to receive pleasure from my wife, then what am I doing to serve or please my wife? How can I please my wife if my intent is to receive pleasure from her? If we both operate with the intent to please each other, then the pleasure for both of us becomes automatic. There becomes no need to pursue the pleasure we desire to receive. Therefore, no husband should ever force his wife to do what she doesn’t want to do concerning their sexual relationship, and the same goes for the wife. Jesus told us to love and to be giving. He never said to only take and be selfish. The Word says, “. . . do not deprive each other of sexual relations.” That Scripture is talking about giving, not receiving. As we love our spouses, we are tenderly responsive to their needs, not our own. It is always far better to give than to receive because God rewards the giver. If you are concerned about what you are not getting in your relationship, God will remind you that it is better to be more concerned about what you are not giving. The more the wife gives in a marriage, the more it should make the husband desire to out-give her. The more he gives to her, the more compelled she should be to out-give him. What a way to compete, if one were to call this a competition. Blessings would abound from all the giving. Unfortunately, what happens in most marriages is the competition is based upon who’s trying to receive the most, not who’s trying to give the most. Consider why you get mad at your spouse from time to time, or for some of you, all the time. Your being upset is primarily based on what “you” are not getting. We say, “If he would only change,” “If she could only see things my way for once,” “Where did she ever get her way of thinking?” “She never considers what I might want,” “He never considers my needs,” or “I’m tired of him getting his way all the time.” The list goes on and on. This is how we think in our marriages. When both the husband and wife operate with the intent of being the server and pleaser of the other instead of seeking to be pleased and getting served by the other, God satisfies all the needs and desires within that marriage.

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Article Source: http://www.articles.narrowisthepath.com

Read more from Rick D. Wynn in his book: “It's Not About You” A Study of the Last Church Generation_What Every Christian Should Know. (Tate Publishing Enterprises) In the pages of Rick D Wynn's entrancing book "It's Not About You," some of the most thought provoking questions in the hearts of people around the world are addressed. Did Jesus' death on the cross really cover all sin? Did His sacrifice actually lift the curse of sickness, poverty, and death upon the world resulting from Adam's sin? If God loves us, then why are there so many catastrophes in the world? Why do people and children tragically die? Straight from the heart of God through Biblical Scripture, this no-holds-barred exposé tackles these questions head-on.

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