How to Talk to Your Friend in Pain--Part 2

By: Jennifer Brost

How to Talk to Your Friend in Pain—Part 2
By Jennifer Brost

Here’s a hypothetical for you: Joe gets blown down by a tornado. Mr. Blow built his house with his own hands in 1965. He and his wife raised 4 children in that house, and now it is gone. Joe Blow’s wife, Silly Sally, was the family’s bill payer. Unfortunately, Silly Sally had become preoccupied with other matters and forgot to pay their home insurance bill on time. Now their home was in pieces and Joe Blow was becoming unglued himself.

Joe Blow and Silly Sally moved into a small apartment in town. Six months later, they learned that their oldest son had lung cancer. The couple buried their child and mourned. Their losses were mounting. Now they had lost not only their home and their stability, but the worst imaginable pain had come their way—the death of a close loved one, a child. But this was not the end of their heartache.

Two months after their son’s funeral, Silly Sally began to act strangely. Within two years, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Joe Blow was left to care for Silly Sally and struggled to take over his wife’s role as peace keeper between the now adult children. Joe Blow should have been nearing retirement, but the financial losses from the tornado and medical bills kept him working.

But how much longer can Joe Blow hold it together? Joe Blow is about to blow—up! He is angry with God for allowing all the pain. Who knows, maybe God even caused all these hardships, he thinks. Go to church? Only at Easter for the grandkids. He feels he doesn’t owe God anything. God is love…hmh! What a bunch of baloney! This is what goes on in Joe Blow’s mind, although he’d probably never share his thoughts with anyone who claimed to be a Christian.

Joe Blow is your neighbor. You’ve been inviting him to church for years. He smiles politely when you ask—even said he was going to come…3 times, but something “suddenly came up.” You know about his problems. But you also know that God is his only hope. Yet, that’s not what he believes and you struggle to find a way to convince him otherwise.

It’s not easy to know what to say to some like Joe Blow, to someone like your real life friend or relative, to someone like me—the way I used to be— or to someone like you, those of you who are currently hurting.

In “How to Talk to Your friend in Pain—Part 1” we explored the importance of helping struggling persons tell their stories, and of course, we wait patiently until they are ready to do so. We can assist them by repeating back what they have said with new clarity. As we discussed in Part 1, a major goal is to keep the conversation from shutting down with statements that imply “This about me.” People say this when they communicate, “I already know how you feel” “The same thing happened to me…” or “You hurt me, too!” You can keep the healing process going if you avoid telling the other person that they are wrong or stupid. Phrases like, “This isn’t so bad.” “All things happen for a reason,” or “God must have a special plan for you and that’s why this is happening,” will leave the person feeling invalidated. Such statements have been known to deepen the sadness, as this is the natural rebellion such ignorant displays of insensitivity. It’s a vicious cycle: the hurting expresses pain→ someone responds, usually in ignorance, without empathy→ the pain is increased for both parties, and round and round we go.

Instead of making matters worse, we can ask for more information and agree with that what is occurring is. in fact, difficult. We can point to the good—both in them and in God. Hope is always present, but we mustn’t rush the processing of pain.

And so here is a basic map for you—a little acronym you can think of the next time you come across a friend in pain. Remember it when you attend your next funeral. Use it when a colleague shares her devastating news. Memorize it for times when your spouse comes home feeling angry or depleted:

M. is for More—say something that will encourage the other person to keep talking. A thoughtful question will usually do the trick. Just make sure your inquiries aren’t loaded with your own opinions, and you will have made a huge stride in being there for the one you care about. In short, find a way to get them to open up about their story.

A. is for Agree—As I sat on a four hour flight to speak on this very topic, I found it a challenge to find common ground with the atheist sitting next to me; however, it wasn’t that hard once I made a concerted effort to find general themes we could agree upon. No matter how crazy the idea might seem to you, I guarantee that there is some aspect of the story that you can identify with. If nothing else, you can say, “Yep. That is a problem,” “I have no idea what needs to be done about that, but I’m glad you are thinking it over,” or “I agree that should not have happened.”

M. is for More—repeat trying to get more information.

A. is for Agree—find another aspect of their experience that you can validate.

G. is for Good—point to something about the hurting person or about God that is praiseworthy. Try “This must be so hard. I can’t believe how well you are coping,” or “I don’t understand why this happened, but I’m looking forward to seeing God bless you in the future,” or “I can only imagine how you feel. I know I don’t know if I could make it through this, but you obviously are.” After you have heard your loved one out and validated their experience and feelings, you will have earned the right to speak hope into their situation. Try this before doing the leg work, and they’ll likely tune you out. The hurting person simply MUST be heard out.

I call this little map that leads to empathy and healing “MAMA G,” and I’m going to guess that some of you need MAMA G in your home right now. Perhaps make a bed for her and let her move in with you. She might not do the dishes but she will extinguish blazing tempers and heal old wounds.

One thing’s for sure, whoever you are, wherever you’ve been, wherever you will go, as long as you walk this earth…hard times will come and go. For some of us, the hardship rarely lets up. And yet, if we offer the love of Christ to others and we do it in such a way that they can receive it and ACTUALLY FEEL accepted and loved…well, just imagine the potential for God’s will to be on earth and as it is in heaven.

Article Source: http://www.articles.narrowisthepath.com

Jennifer Brost is a Pastor’s Wife, author of “How I Suffered From My Theology: and regained my faith by questioning 3 beliefs” (www.deliverancepublishers.com), President of The Job Foundation (www.thejobfoundation.org), professional speaker, and mother of two lively boys. Ms. Brost felt abandoned by God after the deaths of her mother-in-law, mother, father, unborn son, and nearly dying herself all in 30 months time while in her early 20s. Jennifer contends that her ditching of certain religious beliefs and acceptance of a more biblical perspective on the matter of suffering was the primary vehicle for her return to faith and sanity. She resides with her family in Iowa.

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