How to Talk to Your Friend in Pain--Part 1

By: Jennifer Brost

Kimberly was 24 years-old and scared. She had been recently diagnosed with Lupus, a serious and potentially life-threatening illness that could rob her of a bright future. Doctors had already warned her against having children. She felt she should stop dating her new boyfriend because she thought it wasn’t fair to him. She wondered if she should even complete her studies at school. After all, she was rarely ever able to attend classes due to her lack of health. Lupus is a degenerative disease, and she was only in the beginning stages.

I had the pleasure of meeting Kimberly outside the chapel of my husband’s seminary. A renowned Christian author had come that morning to speak on the topic of suffering—a subject matter ever-present in Kimberly’s and in my mind. Kimberly and I met after we both walked out on the message.

I was very uncomfortable with some of the stances this teacher was taking. I felt his premises were not only unbiblical, but also that they also were harmful to the human psyche and spirit. Kimberly proved my point. She stood outside the lecture hall sobbing. I couldn’t help but acknowledge her pain.

“I was concerned about some of things Mr. Blank was sharing, so I decided to leave.” I said.

Kimberley lifted her head up, revealing the face of heartache. “Me too,” she replied. “I know he must be right, but somehow what he’s saying is making me feel awful!”

And yet, Mr. Blank was a Christian man. He had never intended to dampen the spirit of anyone. He was lecturing out of his own philosophy and beliefs—probably passed down to him by others and having never fully been examined or questioned. I don’t know what Mr. Blank guest speaker would have said to Kimberly had she worked up the nerve to let him know that his message had furthered her depression, but I can tell you, after speaking with her, what key points injured her the most.

And so I see the need to discuss what to say and what not to say to those who are in pain. Hurting folks are sensitive and intuitive; we know when someone is being disingenuous and we don’t like having Bible verses thrown at us. So what can be said, what nugget of hope can be dangled before the wounded so that they will finally pipe down, quit crying, and submit to the desires of others to carry on as usual? Well, as you might gather from my writing, the truly empathic person isn’t concerned about any of those. Hope and healing are the truly caring person’s dreams for those doubled-over in pain. From having felt injured by the advice of some and greatly helped by others, I believe there is a way to help your hurting loved see that life is more than worth living.

The most important step on the road toward healing is allowing those in pain to be heard. When a person is allowed to tell their story of loss, pain, or fear, they will feel validated. They will gain confidence in your care for them. They might even think of you as, in a sense, God with skin on. You are there for them and you aren’t overly worried about yourself right now. Don’t we all need a friend like that? There may be a time for confronting your friend about his/her actions, but you will need to ask for PERMISSION (like saying, Can I share my opinion? Do you want to know what I think?). Unless someone is in danger or the possibility of harm is present, you should ask, before going there. This is because no one has hired you to tell them what to do.

This telling of the story is vital. It lets the person know that he or she is safe. This doesn’t mean that all behaviors are permissible, but rather it says that THEY are acceptable. The good friend understands that ALL emotions are valid…some might lack reason and seem to be irrational, but they are all very real. They are important. They aren’t make believe, silly, or unwarranted. They are real and should be treated with respect. The careful listener doesn’t judge someone’s process. She doesn’t say, “Hey, you’ve been grieving long enough, time to snap out of it, Buddy” or “You’re struggling with that again? What’s wrong with you?” Oh, we might get frustrated and have our own grief to deal with, but the skilled helper knows that emotions, at their very root are merely chemical reactions in the brain—like any other bodily function, emotions have their purpose. Emotions can become sick. And those who act out are to be held accountable. But no emotion, in my view, is sinful or righteous. They are as neutral as our hunger drive and need for sleep.

In my experience, there are several statements that will halt this process of connecting with the hurting. Imagine this:

Your favorite Aunt has died. As would be normal, you breakdown and cry, right in the middle of the visitation. Your 5th cousin twice removed walks over to offer her support. Here’s what she says,

“Now, now, Dear. We know that Aunt Bertha has gone to be with the Lord. She’s in a better place.”

How will you feel now? Stupid is my guess. Didn’t she know that you already knew that? And if you did know that Aunt Bertha is in a better place and you kept crying despite this truth, surely you must be over-reacting, right? Aunt Martha is in a better place, so there is no need for tear. Isn’t that what this distant relative has implied?

Feeling a bit annoyed by her remarks, but certain that she means well, you throw out another comment. You are fishing for some comfort and even if you are unlikely to find it with this gal, you are willing to try.

You say, “She really wasn’t that old. I prayed for her for months. Watching her suffer and then die—well, it was awful and I just miss her so much! She wasn’t just my Aunt, she was one of my best friends!”

And to this, your 5th cousin twice removed responds while patting your back, “Oh, Honey. I know just how you feel. After my cat died 2 years ago, I thought I’d never smile again. But I just had to keep in mind that all things happen for a reason.”

This misguided relative had said, “I know just how you feel” and then told her story. Without meaning to, she has already tried to shift your focus somewhere else: to her. This is not about you anymore. It is about her—about either her desire to share her story or about her desire to make you feel better. She also said, “All things happen for a reason.” This is a message that speaks of her view of the matter. While I formerly thought of that statement as being a paraphrase of the Scriptures, such comments essentially label the grief process as being unnecessary. This comment will, in many cases, deepen the wound because it feels as though it invalidates real heartache. After all, if it “happened for a reason,” it is really “No Biggie.” In other words, “Hurry up and get over it.”

More than likely, you will desire to get away from anyone who expresses themselves as this relative did. Such people prove by their communication style that they are not safe confidants. You aren’t looking for someone to tell you that you’re right about everything—you just want to share what’s going on with you and have someone else agree with you that the pain is HARD.

At the point in which intended help has instead caused harm, most people will simply shut off communication with the person who has failed to be of comfort. I’ve witnessed this phenomenon, many times, especially at funeral visitations. Suddenly, the grieving quits crying, looks up, and seems better. However, he or she is not better. They just want to get away from this person who is unknowingly inflicting more pain. For, if they keep crying, the uninvited advice will keep coming. And so it is true that certain messages, whatever their form, are sure to shut down a conversation between any two parties…be they friends, co-workers, father and son, or husband and wife.

Here are 2 statements I’ve learned to rarely use:

1) “I know how you feel.” This statement turns the discussion away from the hurting and puts the spotlight on YOU. Any message like this one will HALT the telling of the story. And again, the story must be told, and told, and told, and retold, until the one in pain is comfortable moving on to some other topic. There is a time, perhaps after several hours or days of sitting with a person in pain to share your own story. But it must be included ONLY for the purpose of providing hope for the hurting. Rarely, is a story about your own experience warranted in the first hours or days after a tragedy. If you think it might be helpful, provide a brief description of what happened to you and return to the story-line ONLY if he or she appears to be interested. Telling your story can send the message that you are more important than the other person and the last thing you would want is for the other person to become concerned about you in his or her hour of need.
2) “It’s not so bad.” When we say, in one form or another, that what has transpired really isn’t really that difficult, we are telling the injured that their pain is silly and that their emotions are illegitimate. To one bruised and bleeding, this type of comment will likely be translated into a self-talk that condemns basic emotions: “Come on, now. You’re wrong. You think this is bad, but you don’t really know what pain is. Buck up!” Obviously, none of us wants our hurting loved one to experience this kind of self-degredation.

When it comes to processing pain, we are all experts, and we have all been failures. It is bad enough to suffer, I say, without adding the words of well-wishers to the recipe. You can be the yeast that helps your friend rise once again. Take the time to hear her out and she’ll likely flourish despite her trials.

Article Source: http://www.articles.narrowisthepath.com

Jennifer Brost is a Pastor’s Wife, author of “How I Suffered From My Theology: and regained my faith by questioning 3 beliefs” (www.deliverancepublishers.com), President of The Job Foundation (www.thejobfoundation.org), professional speaker, and mother of two lively boys. Ms. Brost felt abandoned by God after the deaths of her mother-in-law, mother, father, unborn son, and nearly dying herself all in 30 months time while in her early 20s. Jennifer credits her ditching of certain religious beliefs and toward a more biblical perspective on the matter of suffering for her return to faith and sanity. She resides with her family in Iowa.

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