How does adultery happen in a Christian marriage?

By: Dr. Kenneth Peterman

There are three internal factors and one external factor that lead to adultery in marriage. These underlying patterns form the modus operandi of unfaithfulness – if we can identify these patterns, we can counterbalance the problem of adultery.

The first internal factor involves presence of evil thinking.

Matthew 15:19 says, “For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies.” The word “heart” in this verse refers to the seat of our thoughts and desires. Evil thoughts and ungodly reasonings are the first-born of our unregenerate hearts. Those caught in unfaithfulness usually indulge in ungodly fantasies or mind games about things that are forbidden or wrong long before they commit the act. Unfaithful behavior reveals reasoning gone astray. One young lady who had a problem with adultery shared the type of mind games she played that encouraged her immorality.

“I didn’t even think of my husband. I just erased him. Then, I
could do what I wanted more or less and it made me feel like
I wasn’t hurting anybody else.”

This testimony is no textbook speculation. She is no different than any one of us. Actually we might be shocked to think that such a personable individual could have such unrealistic thoughts.

There are several myths about the thought life that lead people into moral trouble. One such myth is that Actions are no worse than thoughts about the actions. People get caught up in twisted thinking that says, since I have thought about committing adultery, I have already committed it in my heart, therefore, I might as well go through with it, I’m already guilty. This type of thinking is twisted but seems logical to many. If this twisted thinking is correct, than the person who contemplates suicide might as well go through with it! No sane person would agree with same type of thinking in the area of suicide but accept it in the realm of sexual immorality.

Counterbalance evil thinking by:

Developing Godly thought patterns.

Godly thought patterns are encouraged through memorization of Scripture.
Memorize select passages that will help you deal with moral problems such as:

Discipline: 2 Timothy 1:7. Eternal Life: Romans 6:23; I Timothy 6:12; Titus 1:2; I John 2:25; 5:11-13. Holiness: Psalm 30:4; Isaiah 6:3; I Peter 1:15,16. Lying: Proverbs 12:22; 19:22; Isaiah 59:2,3; John 8:44; Colossians 3:9. Turning from Evil: I Corinthians 6:18, 19; Romans 6:13; I Thessalonians 1:9; 1 Peter 3:11. Weapons of Warfare: 2 Corinthians 10:4. Lust: 1 Corinthians 10:13; Galatians 5:16; I Thessalonians 4:7; James 1:13-16. Control of the Spirit: Ephesians 5:18-17. Armor of God: Ephesians 6:11-17. Thought life: Philippians 4.

It is important that we not merely memorize the Scripture but that we meditate upon the text. Meditation is thinking about what you have memorized. Contemplate the meaning of the words and their relation to each other in the verse. Think about the time element in the action words (past, present, future). Consider who is doing the action. Allow your mind to roam through the verse or verses picking out contrasts, comparisons, similarities and differences. Try to determine the exact application to your life. The practice of memorizing and meditating upon the Word of God will produce positive benefits in your moral life. Remember that sin will keep you from the Word of God or the Word of God will keep you from sin!

The second internal factor involves the presence of an evil purpose.

Matthew 5:28 “But I say unto you, That whosoever looks on a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with here already in his heart.” The original word for “look” stresses the persistence of the look. This is not a casual glance. The “looker” knows what he or she is doing and continues to do it over a long period of time. This is a willful and purposeful look. When one “looks” in this intense way, an evil purpose develops. It only takes the right occasion to encourage it to blossom into an immoral act. The act of adultery is more like harvested fruit than sowing seed. There is a purpose phase of adultery between the viewing and the doing!

Neutralize evil purposes by:

Judging evil thoughts and desires before they turn into evil purposes.

Remember that evil thoughts can enter our minds without our permission but they do not have to find a home there. We can do something about our own thinking processes. We can control our thinking by measuring our thoughts against the Word of God and by yielding to the Holy Spirit. Remember the Scripture says “ . . . greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world” (I John 4:4) and “ . . . Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh” (Galatians 5:16).

The third internal factor involves an attitude of unbelief.

Adultery reveals a lack of faith. It springs from the “here and now.” Adultery always concentrates on the present, the immediate and the short-term. Those living in sin are shortsighted and push aside the exhortations and warnings of the Word of God.

Faith looks to the future. Faith sees ahead. Faith takes God at His Word. Faith is willing to risk everything on the validity of God’s Word. Men and women of faith do not allow themselves to develop evil purposes – not because they do not have the same pulls of the flesh – but because they have committed themselves to eternal values.

Promote faith by:

Reading and studying the Word of God.

Romans 10:17 says, “So then faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God.” The word of God is the only means to develop faith. Peter confirms this when he says in 1 Peter 2:2, “Like newborn babes, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation.” (NIV) There is nothing more important for the individual struggling with moral weakness than to study the Bible. Take every opportunity to hear, read and study the Word of God.

Seeking situations in which faith can flourish:

Associate with other believers. We all need encouragement from other believers. Moving away from the fellowship of believers is like taking a live coal from the fire and expecting it not to go out. We need to worship together, feel the warmth, love encouragement and unity of others of like precious faith.

Spend time in prayer. Prayer is an excellent barometer of the reality of our spiritual lives. Prayer is the way we exercise our faith. The study of God’s Word nourishes faith and prayer exercises it. If we “buy up” our time in prayer we will not use it for ungodly or immoral purposes. The more time we give to prayer, the less time we will have to give over to ungodly pursuits.

The one external factor involves the presence of toleration for lying.

Lying plays an integral part in unfaithfulness in several ways:

We lie to ourselves.

When we nurture an evil purpose, we justify and rationalize away the evil thought or just push them aside as though they do not exist. It is easy to excuse ungodly behavior by blaming a negligent spouse for being the cause of our problem. A wife told me that during her affair, she didn’t even think of herself as a spouse. She lied to herself and did not face her reality in order to do what she wanted to do.

We lie to our spouse.

Adultery is kept hidden for obvious reasons. Misrepresentations and lying characterizes the life of the moral offender. The adulterer lies about schedules, phone calls, use of money, use of the car, etc. Lying becomes a way of life cause its own confusion, stress and tension.

We lie to God.

Many adulterers continue to worship, teach Sunday school classes, attend prayer meetings and generally try to carry on church life as usual. They act as though God has no idea what they are doing!

Combat lying by:

Making a commitment to truthfulness.

In Ephesians 6:14, Paul admonishes believers to gird themselves with truthfulness when he says, “having your loins girt about with truth.” We determine whether we will lie or tell the truth. Truthfulness is completely under our control. Paul also says, “put on” the whole armor of God in verse 11.This command is a personal action. We must make a volitional decision to put on the whole armor of God, which includes the belt of truthfulness. We must commit ourselves to telling the truth!

Keep short accounts with God.

This means that we must be willing to judge ourselves on a short-term basis. We must confess our sins to God, as they occur in order to keep a consistent walk with him. If we do this we would never be involved in such a serious sin as adultery.

Article Source: http://www.articles.narrowisthepath.com

Dr. Peterman invites you to view his latest book REMAIN FAITHFUL TO YOUR SPOUSE IN A SOAP OPERA SOCIETY (SECOND PLACE WINNER in the 2008 Christian Choice Book Awards Contest - marriage category) for more information about this vital subject. Go to www.remainfaithful.net. Dr. Peterman has also authored You Can Improve Family Communication, available at www.remainfaithful.net.

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