Anger Management God's Way-Correcting Myth #1

By: Dr. Bob Hughes

It is not unusual to think that having our feelings hurt by others is what causes anger. We think "hurt causes anger." This is a very common misconception that is neither accurate, helpful, nor biblical.

While hurt certainly lies underneath our anger, we often miss the fact that there is another factor which causes the hurt to turn to anger - the demand NOT to get hurt. It is demanding not to get hurt, and then getting hurt, that causes the anger, not the hurt itself. Hurt causes anger only when I'm demanding NOT to get hurt.

We think the following equation is true: I get hurt = I get angry.

When in reality, it is this equation that is true:
I am demanding NOT to get hurt + I get hurt = I get angry.

The fact that when we get hurt, we don't always get angry proves this point. When
my wife hurts my feelings, sometimes I get angry. But others times, I just feel
hurt. What's the difference? When I demand she not hurt me, my hurt feelings
turn into anger. If she hurts me when I only desire that she not hurt me, I will
experience hurt, but not anger.

If getting hurt by others was what caused us to get mad, then the solution to our anger would be to get others to stop hurting us. To do that we would have to control others to make sure they do not hurt our feelings. Thus our not becoming angry is dependent on what other people do to us, not what we do. That's not a very fair or practical solution. How could God command us to not be angry if the only solution was out of our control? The solution to our anger is to stop demanding, not to try to control other people so they do not hurt us.

In my experience, one of the most common demands that people unknowingly make is the demand that "other people not hurt their feelings." Because getting hurt by others is unfortunately a natural result of being in relationship with others, when we demand not to get hurt, it is only a matter of time before we get angry.

If the solution to our anger is to stop demanding, how do we do that? The answer lies in whether we believe we need things to turn out a certain way, or if instead, we are learning to trust God for the outcomes in our lives.

There's a big difference between needing and desiring a specific outcome. When we desire something and don't get it, we're disappointed, but we can still act lovingly. But when we think we need something and don't get it, we become demanding, and eventually angry.

When a friend or spouse lets us down or fails to treat us the way we would want, our response says a lot about where we are putting our faith and hope. If we're putting faith in people and things to come through for us to meet all our needs, we will get angry when they fall short of our demands. Our anger shows that we are needing and requiring the world to come through for us in ways it was not designed to do. But if other people let us down while we are trusting God to meet our needs, we'll be disappointed and hurt but not angry.

Article Source: http://www.articles.narrowisthepath.com

Bob Hughes was in private practice as a Marriage and Family Therapist for thirty years, and currently practices as a consultant to individuals, families, and church leaders. He and his wife, Judy, are the co-authors of Love Focused: Living Life to the Fullest (www.lovefocused.com). Love Focused provides grace-based, below the surface answers to the challenges of life that will free you to trust God, love others, and live with the freedom and joy that God wants for you. For additional resources, eBooks, and special offers go to www.lovefocused.com

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